Don't Look Down

Went to get my haircut today. Which means I got to spend time with my brother :) Love him. (and my sis but we'll talk about her preciousness another time)

Anyway, on my way back home, I was listening again to this song that was so important to me last summer. God often speaks to me through songs and this is one of them. A perfect example, really. Joy Whitlock's Don't Look Down really ministered to me and prepared me for the hard thing I was about to face on May 31, 2009, which was my mother moving into my house. She was bedridden and, as we soon found out, had lung cancer.

That was the hard thing I knew was getting ready to happen. I was somewhat prepared for that. I had been working on getting my mind and heart ready as well as getting the house ready for her arrival. But I wasn't prepared so much for the other thing that was going to happen just one day after she moved in. On June 1, 2009 came the second part of the double-whammy. But God knew what was coming. So He encouraged me with this song a couple of weeks before:

This could be your best work yet
Have you got the stomach for this
Come on dig deep
What have you got left to lose

Tragedy is half the fight
Are you willing to lose your life
Come on let it bleed
There’s nothing you can hide from me

‘Cause I know you’ve been here before
I’ve seen your scars
The price it’s too high
What if you fall again
Then I’ll fall too
Straighten up
Eyes ahead
Look for me
You don’t have to be scared
Don’t be scared
Don’t look down

Regret has pierced your heart
Gravity has left its mark
But I’m playing for keeps
Even death can’t do us part

You should hear it. Just lyrics on a page don't do it justice, of course. The way she sings it. So insistent. So passionate. It's a great, great song. Love it.

So I was listening to this again today (first time in awhile) and it seems to have significance all over again. Last summer I thought it was just to help me get through the arduous job of taking care of my mother as she was dying.

But, as it turned out, it was also meant to help me as I processed the revelation from my son that he is gay. Which hit me hard. Now there is an understatement if there ever was one. I thought my daughter's divorce and the subsequent church fallout was hard! But this one really took me down to my knees. Literally.

At various times throughout the day for the first couple of weeks, I would fall to my knees and raise my hands toward heaven and declare, out loud:

My eyes are on you, Lord.

My life is in Your hands.

Mom's life is in Your hands.

Daniel's life is in your hands.

That's what got me through. The truth of that. I fully believed, and still do, that that is fact. And worship. I'm a worshiper. Worshiping God is like medicine. My therapy. My joy. Joy in the midst of sadness, it was. And is.

So...have I got the stomach for this? For writing publicly about my feelings and beliefs about the church's abysmal response to and handling of gay people? (and other controversial topics)

What have I got left to lose? Umm, well you mean besides my job and my conservative friends, Lord? haha

What if I fall again? I love this part of the song--the reply Joy Whitlock has God giving to this question is a beautiful, biblical one:

Then I'll fall too.

He promises to never leave me or forsake me. To be with me always. So if I fall, He is with me still. And with Him, I can handle whatever.