Another Day, Another Gay Slur

Told you. Okay, so mark it down--two days in a row. We're keeping track now.

Same dear friend. Who I love. I know absolutely for certain that if she had any idea how it's like a kick to the stomach....she would restrain herself. But it just came out so casually.

Simply this. She is just passing along the information that her 7th grade son doesn't like a certain teacher because, are you ready? You can finish the sentence, right?

He's weird....I think he's gay.

Right. Those two words always go together.

How do we make it stop?!

Henri Nouwen, My New Favorite

Oh what a gift. I'm convinced that my discovery of him was not by chance.

I am always in search of new authors, especially Christian authors. And by new I mean new to me. I had read his name somewhere--under a quote most likely--and I was intrigued. So I added him to my list of authors to be on the lookout for when I go to Half-Priced Books. But before I even had a chance to search, would you believe I saw one of his books lying right in front of my face, in a friend's house! Ahh! I gasped and grabbed it up and held it to my heart. (I'm dramatic like that). My friend said to go ahead and take it, that it had been her father-in-law's, and I could tell by the way she talked that neither she nor her husband had ever read it. What?! This treasure....just sitting here. Well, I'm sure God arranged the whole thing just for me because He loves me that way. Honestly, God is so nice to me.

So the title of the book? The Return of the Prodigal Son. That in itself is profound, is it not? I mean, think about it! So I began to read it right away. Ohhhh how I love this book. Probably at the tippy top of my list of all-time favs. And I have a lot of favs. I need to re-read it now because it has been over a year and the memory has faded.

So just as I always do when I find an author I'm impressed with, I research the author himself (or herself). Turns out....Henri was a celibate gay. A tortured soul, but a soul who loved God deeply.

See what I mean about not being coincidence?

So then I started looking for more of his books. So far I've read The Wounded Healer, Reaching Out, and I've read Michael O'Laughlin's bio of him.

Now I'm reading his diary from his final year. Called Sabbatical Journey. I bought it in August and his first entry was September 3rd, so I saved it so I could read it as a daily devotional. Here is his entry from yesterday:

Friday, September 29

Andrew Sullivan's new book, Virtually Normal: An Argument about Homosexuality, is one of the most intelligent and convincing pleas for complete social acceptance of homosexuality I have ever read.

Andrew Sullivan is a Catholic. He is just as open about being a Catholic as about being a homosexual. From his writing it becomes clear that he is not only a Catholic but also a deeply committed Catholic who takes his church's teachings quite seriously. That makes his discussion of the church's attitude toward homosexuality very compelling.

My own thoughts and emotions around this subject are very conflicted. Years of Catholic education and seminary training have caused me to internalize the Catholic Church's position. Still, my emotional development and my friendships with many homosexual people, as well as the recent literature on the subject, have raised many questions for me.

Yes. So many questions.

I used to be afraid to read the perspectives of people who believe differently from me. But not anymore. I want to be educated on this subject. I don't want to be like most Christians who believe what they believe just because it's what they've always believed because, usually, it's what they've been told from the pulpit.

And I agree and can see the point that modern translations of the Bible may not accurately portray God's total heart on any given subject. I agree that reading in context is vital and that the culture in which it was written has to be taken into account on subjects such as this one. I know my Bible quite well for a lay person. I read it every day and have for years. I am well aware what it says on the subject of homosexuality. And I'm also quite aware of what it doesn't say.

One thing I know for sure is that God does not hate gay people. There are some people he was truly angry with and other behaviors that he hates but homosexuality doesn't even make the list! God hates idolatry. And pride. And injustice.

Well that is the topic for a whole other blog post. So I'll end this one here.

Can I Get Through Just One Day Without This?

It happened again. I'm going to keep track now, for real because this is crazy. I think I'll chart it and include it in my book. Or whatever.

Is it possible to make it through a day without hearing a joke about homosexuality, gay wisecrack or innuendo?

This woman--a friend who is dear to me-- meant no harm. Ninety-nine percent of people mean no harm, I'm sure. It's just our culture. And typical human behavior. We make fun of what is different from us. I'm hypothesizing here but I think that prior to the 1990s, maybe the 1980s, the subject was shocking and taboo. But now.....not only are we talking about it (I know I exaggerate when I say incessantly, but allow me a little hyperbole here) we apparently think it's hilarious. That is, it's hilarious if it's some gay stranger, or if someone straight we know does something gay-ish.

The specifics don't matter, but today something different happened. Maybe it's a turning point.

At least two of the other three women in the group of which I was a part knows that my son is gay. I've confided in them how this subject hurts me. Obviously, the offender had momentarily forgotten. After she told her "funny husband story" which had to do with something gay-like he had done, there was not the expected laughter, just what seemed to me to be a few polite chuckles. Then the friend sitting closest to me--the one to whom I confided most recently--turned to me and segued pretty smoothly to something similar her son had done (only it was matter of fact and not shaded with gay humor). I'm pretty sure this was purposeful on her part (bless her). She's a merciful people-person and I believe she wanted to: a) save me from more pain, and b) save the offender the embarrassment of feeling like she'd stuck her foot in her mouth. Anyway, I was grateful that the usual guffaws did not ensue.

I guess I felt a little sorry to be a killjoy.

Not really. I think people really do need to be more sensitive and careful, including me. I am definitely guilty here myself. Maybe that's one purpose I have. To bring to at least a few the awareness that there are hurting hearts all around.

So be careful little lips what you say.

Facing It

So after I finished reeling from the Aunt D incident, I decided I had to face the issue and really start searching and researching. I don't have the luxury of avoiding and ignoring like many of my Christian brothers and sisters. It is very, very easy to vomit out the standard, cold talking points against homosexuality when it's not your brother, or your son. Or sister or daughter.

Even if they are right in what they say--and I know longer know for sure...hence the search/research--they for sure aren't delivering the message in the right way.

It should not be happening! Who knows how many hundreds....thousands...of boys and girls who have grown up in churches and have struggled with their sexuality, and then....suffering alone because of course they have no one to talk to....they leave their church. And God.

This makes me very, very, very sad.

Several years ago, maybe 7-8 years ago, I felt the urge to tackle this issue. But I didn't. Too hard. Too busy. I've felt that churches handled the gay issue all wrong for many years. Since my brother is gay, I've been sensitive to the hateful, snide, sneering remarks people make. And then I found out the son of a dear friend is gay. Actually, a best friend of my son's from childhood. This stirred me up again. But I didn't do anything except half-heartedly begin a book.

Maybe now it's time to pick that back up.

In the meantime, I've ordered several books. Love Is An Orientation by Andrew Marin, and a couple others on the subject. And I'm praying....praying for wisdom. Praying for direction. Praying that I don't fall into deception. I want the truth. God's truth. I don't want to change my views because it's popular. I want God to be okay with my son being gay. If not, I want God to do a miracle and change my son to a heterosexual. Maybe he'll do neither but NO MATTER WHAT, I trust God. Maybe being gay was not something God did but it's still something He can use to draw my son closer to Him.

Ultimately, that is my greatest desire. For my son to love the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind and strength. That has been my prayer since he was a baby in my arms. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God will answer that prayer.

In the meantime....I have to do something to help others. Other mothers suffering as I am. Other kids who are feeling the hate and rejection.

Something. What, Lord?

The Sordid Details

So on February 19, my very ultra-right-wing-conservative sister-in-law chose to post on her Facebook an anti-gay video. That's right. Even though she was "friends" with me and Daniel. Also Sarah and her husband, who are very anti, anti-gay, and anti ultra-right-wing conservatives.

You can imagine the ruckus.

I was completely oblivious when it happened. I was teaching (and therefore not checking FB) and then I met Rachel in Lexington to celebrate her birthday. She and I were siting in a movie when Daniel sent me a text...something about "Aunt Diane is going crazy again" which I immediately understood to mean that she was again posting something controversial. Oh boy, I thought, and suspected it had something to do with homosexuality since Daniel took the time to bring it up to me. I felt a pang of dread but texted back that I was in the movie theater with Rachel. He said something about Sarah and Zack being hot. Yikes. But I was determined that Rachel's night would not be ruined by the likes of dear auntie D.

So on our way back from Lexington I started receiving frantic messages of apology from Aunt D. "I'm so sorry, I've upset your kids" and yada yada yada. SIGH.

I always want to keep the peace. Or avoid controversy. Or both. Regardless, I knew we were in a mess. And here I had been minding my own business! Why, oh why can't people shut the you know what UP?

This was not the first time Aunt D and I butted heads. But ....stories for another day.

So by the time I got home I had received three of these desperate sorry notes. I still did not know any details, except that she had said that she had posted "a video dispelling myths of homosexuality." I wished I could grab her throat and ask her why in the world would she do such a thing since I knew that she knew that my son, her nephew and FB friend, was gay! But I wrote back something like "I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt us." And I still believe that she was totally ignorant of what she was doing.

But that's no excuse, you know?

The next morning I had received yet another, longer letter of apology. Along with a lot of excuses and justifications for what she had done. "I just can't not share my opinion and it's been my downfall at times."

Grrrr.

Then I talked to Sarah.

Sarah and Zack are very opinionated also. However, they know that there is a time and a place to share your views. And there's a way to do it without being mean and nasty and uncivilized.

Also, Sarah has been through a lot herself. She has gone through a divorce, which used to be more controversial than it is now in Christian circles. But still, it was a cataclysmic event for us in our home church of 18 years. But ..... another story for another time.

Sarah saw this post of Aunt D's and became unglued. She told me that she had not been that hurt and upset since her divorce. Daniel saw it. He wrote to Aunt D-- a private FB message saying that he loved her but he would be removing her from his FB. Aunt D responded by writing a very public message, on her FB WALL saying.... I don't even remember what Sarah told me. But not nice. So that set off a FB wall war between Aunt D and, I think, mainly Zack. Who is very bold and very well able to convey his educated views. As Aunt D told me in her pseudo-apology letter: "They let me have it."

Good!

After my conversation with Sarah, I knew it would be very difficult to be neutral in the matter. Some things can't be avoided, you know? She went onto this supposed "Christian" end-times website where Aunt D had copied and pasted this hateful video. She went on the forum where Aunt D went to lick her wounds. She claimed that she was being persecuted!!! "I can't believe the level of hate, and from family," she wrote.

Unbelievable.

Well. I'm not sure I can put into words just how painful this whole episode was. And just when I was feeling like my own wounds were a bit less bloody. You know, from the summer when Daniel told me he was gay.

So a few days later, I just couldn't take it anymore. Seeing her FB status updates. Her never-ending opinions. Plus, she clearly didn't have a clue about how much she had hurt us, whether she did it in ignorance or not. So I wrote her a very carefully worded, kind, loving message saying that I would always love and pray for her and her family, but it was too painful to see her on FB. And that harm had indeed been done, more than I'm sure she realized.

She wrote back, saying that's fine but "I wish I had the chance to explain, or even apologize."

Say what? She had sent me no less than 6-7 letters of apology and "explanation."

Anyway, that's the last communication we've had.

Sadly, Aunt D represents too large a part of the "Christian" population in the U.S. It is very, very desperately WRONG.

Avoidance is Not an Option

What a relief. Here, like with God, I can be totally honest. Anywhere else, I have to be so guarded. Not because I'm ashamed but because I'm trying to protect my heart. To be honest with people is dangerous. And then again, if you don't tell people "someone I love is gay so don't say anything stupid and hateful" then too often....they say stupid, hateful things. You don't even realize how conditioned Christian culture is to fear, avoid and ridicule gay people until you look at it from the other side.

I've been on the other side longer than this past year (since my son told me he is gay). Ironically, around the time I was pregnant with Daniel, my brother told me he was gay. I'll never forget where I was, where I was standing when he told me, and the feeling of being kicked in the stomach. Back then I believed that homosexuality was like the worst thing ever. I was so sad, SO SAD. I love my brother so much. Still do. I was sad and scared for him. So I said stupid things. And I did stupid things. Like, for years I kind of ignored Marc's partner, Howard. I wasn't outright rude, but I sure didn't go out of my way to show him love.

Then, God changed my heart. One year, at Christmas, after years of praying "God, get Howard out of Marc's life," I heard the Lord say that He loved Howard too, and that I was not being loving. Well, once I hear God tell me something, I can turn on a dime and get with the program, so to speak. I apologized to my brother and then I started treating Howard with love and respect, and praying for him instead of against him. I'm so ashamed of how proud and judgmental I was back then. Lacking in love, mercy and grace for people different from me.

But even though I had a gay brother, it was fairly easy to avoid the whole controversy before Daniel told me he was gay. Oh how I hate controversy. But now I'm moving forward unafraid. No more avoiding. No more hiding. It's right here in my lap. To avoid and hide is not the loving thing to do. Not to mention that I'm grieving and I am so aware of the pain every day. I am not happy my son is gay. I am not happy to think he will never have a son or daughter of his very own. Sure, he could adopt, but I mean flesh of his flesh. I don't want him to be without his very own family. Alone. Thankfully, I know longer care what people think, so that's not the issue. But what mother doesn't want her daughters and sons to get married and have children of their own?

And other people make it impossible to avoid as well. In our culture, with all the social media, other people and their opinions are in our faces constantly.

Like my sister-in-law.

She is one of those uber-conservative Christians who has strong, unyielding opinions on all the hot topics and--lucky everyone else in the world-- she cannot keep from sharing them. She even tried that excuse in her defense: "I can't not give my opinions, and it's been my downfall at times."

It was on my daughter Rachel's birthday this past February. R is the only one of my three children who live here in the same town as I. She and I were out celebrating her 27th. A mother-daughter night. D texted and said "Aunt Diane is going crazy again" or something to that effect. I right away had a good idea of what it was about. Anyone who is her FB friend knows what she thinks about everything because of the daily barrage of opinion in her status updates. But I wanted to be with R and continue our fun evening so I just let him know that we were in a movie and he, being the polite, kind person I raised him to be, let it go.

On our way home from the movie I started getting these frantic, pseduo-apologetic messages from SIL. "Oh, I'm so sorry, I've upset your children" and blah blah blah. She was freaking out, obviously. But I still didn't know any details.

I put her off a day by replying that I'm sure she didn't mean to hurt anyone.

Next day, I talked to my daughter Sarah. She filled me in on all the details. Details to come....I must get ready to go to work!

What's Bothering Me

Bothering me....what an understatement.

Okay, no more lollygagging (love that word). I've had something gnawing at me for over a year and I just haven't known how to address it in a forum such as this. I've thought about writing a blog specifically on the subject. I've thought about writing a book. Making a speech (not really) but mostly I've just been suffering inside. See, my son told me on June 1st, 2009 that he is gay, and that revelation/confession had been my worst fear. Yep, for at least 20 years. You can't imagine how it feels to realize your worst fear is reality. But I smiled at him, put my arm around him, looked him in the eyes and told him "There is nothing you can ever say, or do, or be that will make me stop loving you." And I meant it. Of course. But then I dropped him off at the airport (he was headed back to Omaha, where he had moved several weeks before) and I wept all the way home. Sobbed. Loudly. The week that followed was probably the hardest of my whole life.

So I've done everything except come here to write about it. And since it's been fifteen months, thirteen days and about an hour since that night....I'll give this a go.

sigh

Okay, where to begin? No, I'm not even going to go there. Thinking I have to begin at the perfect beginning and write ev-er-y-thing in between just wears me out and makes me want to give up already. I'll just start somewhere....and in time things will fall into place. Or not. But at least I won't just be sitting around doing nada while time goes by.

Let's start with today and work back, how bout that? Okay so today my son crossed my mind probably twenty times. And I had my unwanted minimum daily ration of gay innuendo. I'm serious, it apparently cannot be avoided. And, of all places, in a setting I felt certain I could call a no gay wisecrack zone --my elementary classroom. Third grade for crying out loud! But, in all fairness, I believe this was completely innocent. However, one male student was singing the little ditty: so and so and so in so, sittin in a tree, k-i-s-s-i-n-g. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes so in so with a baby carriage. But he was singing it about two fellow male classmates. I kid you not. Couldn't believe my ears. But I don't know why I'm surprised anymore. It honestly happens every.single.dang.day.

So you can get a feel for what's bothering me, right? You see where I'm goin with this?

Alrighty then.

So where do I, a Bible-believing, God-loving, conservative Christian stand on this issue? Well, first of all, I have lost much of my conservatism in the past year. I was already in transition regarding my political persuasion. And my religious beliefs have been in re-evaluation mode since 2005, when my oldest daughter divorced and in the process was frozen out of our home church of eighteen years. By frozen out I mean people who had once been warm, welcoming and affirming turned cold on us. That will rock your world in an unpositive way. But I digress. Here is where I stand on the gay issue as of today, September 13, 2010. I'm in agreement with Tony Campolo. I like Tony Campolo. Read his opinion here:

http://www.bridges-across.org/ba/mission.htm