Taking a Step

You probably won't believe this, but I actually worked up a little motivation and bravado and made contact with a lovely, like-minded, like-hearted person who is for real working with the people I want to work with.  Not only did I make the contact....I followed through and met with her face-to-face yesterday morning.  YAY ME!

I know that doesn't sound like that big a deal, but for me it is.  I am such a scaredy-cat foot dragger.  I'm still in recovery for my people-pleasing tendencies.  I don't want to embarrass myself.  I don't want to be wrong.  I don't want my conservative friends to worry about me.  Plus, I'm an over thinker and someone who has a really hard time making decisions.  Why God would want to use someone as lame as I am, I couldn't tell ya.  But, I mean, He has a history of choosing some super pathetic characters.  If you've read the Bible, you know His choices could really be called into question.  Way more often than not!  You don't even have to be human to be used by God.  Baalam's donkey and Jonah's big fish quickly come to mind.

So. Clearly.... I qualify.

All this time has passed.....and keeps passing......and I keep hearing about more kids suffering, more kids dying.....more hearts breaking......  These hearts aren't going to mend themselves! Of course God can sovereignly do anything, but almost always He chooses to use people to accomplish His purposes.  I'm one of His people.  I want to be one of the ones He uses.  I want to love people, encourage people, nurture people.  Show them--not just tell them, not just pray for them, but show them that God loves them.

I was telling my new friend yesterday that ....hahaha..... since becoming a Christian (at age 14) I wanted a role in the kingdom that was well-esteemed by other Christians.  I'm just like everyone else; I want to be admired and applauded.  You know, like mission work....saving orphans....and she said: you ARE!

Ah!  Ahhhhhhh!

In my head I know it doesn't matter what other people think but what God thinks.  But I like to collect accolades just as much as the next person.  Believe me, there are no gold stars handed out for those of us who stand up for the rights of LGBTs.

Within the LGBT community, there are thousands and thousands of orphans. Figuratively and literally!  Did you know that 40% of homeless teens have been rejected by their parents--usually based on their religious beliefs--and kicked out of their homes??

How? How can this be happening?  How are we not outraged and broken-hearted over this?!  How can anyone justify this?  How can we not see that Jesus leaves the ninety-nine to go after that ONE. LOST. LAMB.

Sure, I'll endure the scandal.  Of course I'll chance being the object of clucking tongues and righteous head wagging.  It's worth any reproach I'll receive.  I'll take my chances in being misunderstood. Misjudged.  I'll always, always err on the side of grace and mercy.  I KNOW that if Jesus were walking the earth in 2015, He would spend lots of time hanging out with these people.  I'm CERTAIN that He would go after that desperate, devastated soul that has been kicked out of their home for being gay.  I'M POSITIVE that He would go sit beside that anguished teen in church who is hearing again how sinful homosexuality is but yet they've hid the secret for yearrrrs that they are attracted to the same sex and who can they talk to?!  NO ONE.  They could confess anything else but that.  I'M CONFIDENT that He would show up for the mom who's sobbing like she's never sobbed before....because He did for me.  For six years now, I've walked through this process that only Christian moms like myself can understand.  The shock. The fear. The worry. The grief.

I want to help the families too.  It's hard. It's painful. It's lonely.  But He's walked with me through it. He's loved me, comforted me, assured me, taught me, grown me.

So today I won't just write anonymously and hide it away as I've done since beginning this blog 5-1/2 years ago.  For the sake of maybe just the ONE....I'll share my words and my heart.  If I'd had a blog like this to read these past years, I would have so very much appreciated it.

Hey

Just a quick update from this procrastinator.  Obviously I didn't jump right into anything after I lost my job back in July, 2013.  Sheesh.  I feel like I've been jettisoned into some third dimension.  I can't believe how drastically different my life is from how it was when I first began this blog in 2009.  I really thought that God was ready to plop me into something meaningful.  I guess if I'm to be honest, I felt like I'd paid my dues (having taken care of mother) and that I'd earned some kind of ministry that I wanted.  That I was really cut out for.  So silly.

I'm not upset with God.  I've belonged to Him long enough to know His ways really and truly are higher (better, so much better) than our ways.  If something is amiss, it's definitely with me.  Something--many things--are amiss, so....well, no surprise here.

I'll explain later because I actually have a purpose for this day. I'm subbing at the elementary school. Public school.  But I wanted to get back here for at least a minute....prime the pump so to speak.

Okay. That's done.  Until next time....

Cracking My Cover!

Announcement!  I no longer teach at a Christian school so I'm free to write about anything I want.  Isn't that great?!  I don't have to restrict myself anymore.  I can write about how I actually love gay people and support gay people and can do it now without being afraid I'll lose my job!  That's why it's been so long between posts.  I didn't want to stir the waters, rock the boat, ruffle any feathers. Alarm anyone.  So I didn't keep writing.  And I've been really sad about it.

I loved working with the kids--love them so much--but the one thing I really didn't like was feeling like I had to suppress my views on controversial subjects.  Keep my heart hidden.  Which is difficult for me because I'm...at least I used to be, a really open book.

But now, now I'm free to express myself!  The school I was employed by is seeking accreditation and wants to hire only certified teachers, and I'm not certified.  So they did not renew my contract for this year.  And I'm glad! Well, I'm not thrilled with having to search for another job....but maybe now I can find a job that I'm even better suited for.  Maybe now I can do something even closer to my heart.  I really knew when I took this job that it wasn't my favorite, my dream job.  I have settled....compromised....stifled myself.

No more!  Now I want to really get out there and help people that other Christians are afraid of.  Get into some messy stuff.  Controversial stuff!  Jesus stuff.

So....I guess you could say I'm coming out!

Here's the Problem

The other day I received word from a family member that a friend's friend's son had killed himself.  The text message read:

This 19 year old kid was gay and having trouble dealing. His first day on job at restaurant in Louisville someone harassed him and he killed himself. So wrong.

Then I was forwarded an email giving more information.  The boy's name was Madison Alexander Cox.  I was able to look through a photo gallery of pictures of him and his family.  He went to a Christian school.  He apparently was raised in church.  What a beautiful boy with a radiant smile!  My heart breaks for this family.  I am aching for this mother...especially his mother.

I really want to make a difference.  I keep coming back to it...over and over and over.  For years, literally years, I have wanted to do something to help gay people, especially the kids.

Here's the problem:

Christians--real Christians-- want to love. They really do.  However, they are afraid that by unconditionally loving gay people, they will be condoning their "choice" and their "lifestyle" which they just cannot bring themselves to do.  So instead they just ignore the problem altogether. Pretend that it doesn't exist. Turn away! Turn away! Don't acknowledge!  

But there are people in our churches who are gay. It's a FACT.


So. What are we going to do??  Keep making it unbearable for them...so unbearable that they finally give up and leave?  Can't we just love them?  Why can't we just love them?  Why can't we just accept people, love people, and trust Jesus with them?

If we don't, they suffer alone.

Can you imagine the agony they go through?  Do you remember how it felt to be a teenager and to feel like you were different in any way?  Magnify that torture a thousand times.  Without someone who will unconditionally love and accept them, they will do one of the following:

A)  Continue to suffer in silence.  And when one part of the body suffers, we all suffer. 1Corinthians    12:26

B)  Leave the church. And often they leave God.  And sometimes they even choose to leave this world.

Belated Update

Once again I'm guilty of blog-neglect.  Guilty.  And once again I vow to keep going.

I have two excuses, neither of which are good.  A) I'm too busy.  B) I'm afraid.

*hangs head in shame*

Now I won't belabor the excuses, and the ridiculousness of same.  Instead I choose to quiet myself and be brave.

Okay, so moving on...

I last wrote about Daniel and The Great Disappointment.  Here's the follow-up:

I will no doubt get some of the details wrong because this was eight months ago (geez.) but when Daniel returned to Omaha, and to Luke, he of course was still hurting. And they talked about it, I'm sure a lot.  Well guess what?  I'm so proud of both of them--Luke told him he must forgive them.

Yes! You read that right!  Luke.....who obviously is also GAY....tells Daniel to forgive the Christian friends who hurt him.

Amazing.

He told him that for better or worse, there are some people who will always be in our lives. So forgive them.  Daniel, who has always been quick to forgive, did just that.  He sent the bride a FB message saying that he saw her wedding pictures and that she looked beautiful in her wedding dress.  He said he hoped his gift hadn't been too lame (he still had not received a thank you or even an acknowledgement).

I am SO PROUD of my son.  Then he sent me a text telling me about it all and saying that I can forgive them now too because he'd received a nice message.  "How nice?" I asked.  He forwarded it to me.

I read it and didn't respond. Because I didn't want to interfere with his peace. But I didn't find it nice enough. Not at all.  It was just -- in my opinion -- an obligatory "hey! thanks! we love you! response in order to not be rude. AGAIN.

But what matters is that Daniel and Luke have the right attitude. They have the right heart, beautiful hearts. Forgiving hearts. Hearts with unconditional love.

Which is what he should have received from his former Christian family. For shame.

A Sad

I've been ridiculously negligent of my blog. But something happened recently that begs expression. My only hesitation is that I do not want to, ironically, "out" the offenders. In these days of social media, the only way to be entirely discrete and, therefore, kind, is to never tell anything, either verbally or in writing.

But. I think sometimes it is not in the best interest of everyone to keep everything hidden and covered up. However, I will refrain from using real names and places.

Last month my son returned home to attend the wedding of one of his best childhood friends. His original intent was to attend two weddings, for his other best childhood friend, his oldest childhood friend, happened to be getting married the very same day. One was in early afternoon, the other evening, so that worked out perfectly; he could go to both.

Except.....only one friend was accepting of the fact that he is gay and wanted to bring his boyfriend.

This other friend--a friend, mind you, whose house was his second home--whose family he vacationed with--who he had been very close friends with since age TWO--who was raised in the same church, same children's church, same youth group, same everything--this friend had an altogether different reaction. And it is a very sad story.

Approximately two months prior to the scheduled wedding, Daniel texted (or in a Facebook chat) this friend's fiance' (who was also a close youth group friend) and asked if he could bring L. He frankly stated that he would understand if they did not feel comfortable with it. He said he used to be there (this particular church--the church in which he was raised since the age of 7 weeks) and that he understood how it is and that it might be weird, and that's okay.

He received no response, no response whatsoever. Just silence. And to this day I know of no response.

He tried at first to play it off like it was no big deal. But then as the day approached, it was clear that he was stunned and kept expecting them to contact him. He texted the sister (also former youth group leader) to get the address of the bride. He told me that he could have gotten the address easily through another channel but he wanted to see what she would say. He wanted to talk about it. She feigned total surprise, said she had no idea he had asked that. That is simply not believable. Not knowing these people who are all so tightly connected that almost nothing is secret.

Daniel ordered and had a nice wedding gift delivered.

Still nothing but silence.

As it turned out, Daniel drove home alone because L had to work. He posted on his Facebook wall that he was driving home "all by my lonesome" but still.....

Silence.

I know he was still hoping....hoping they would contact him. But, no.

I talked to him on the phone during his long drive, and he cried. He still just couldn't believe it. His best childhood friend. What the heck? He was really devastated.

Clearly, he honestly, truly believed that these people really loved him. Unconditionally. After all, even though their initial reaction after his coming out was predictable, over time they seemed like they were trying to treat him with unconditional love.

But nothing brings out peoples' true colors like a wedding, I guess.

So Daniel spent the night with his other friend and was there for all her wedding festivities. Was the life of the party afterwards. Everyone loves Daniel.

Well, everyone except his best childhood friend and his church "family".

How pitiful is that?! Christians. Supposedly. The people who are supposed to reflect the love of Jesus. Sadly, I'm not at all surprised. This kind of thing happens all the time. To people everywhere. Which is why I really want to write a book. A book from the point of view of a mother, and a Christian.

So back to the story. After the wedding, Daniel met some friends who attended the other wedding--the wedding Daniel was obviously not welcome at after all. In fact, one was a best man. Daniel, these two guys, and the best friend had all been very close at one time. Before. And these two guys have been good friends to Daniel since. They listened to him as he wept....and one drove him home because Daniel, who normally doesn't drink much, had had way too much. And was sick. Physically sick as well as heartsick.

The next day, he cried whenever he talked about it.

I told him, several times, Daniel, I don't know what to say except they were wrong. They handled it completely wrong, and one day they will look back and be ashamed and sad that they treated you so badly.

To not even give him an answer! No response at all!! How could someone do that? First of all, it is completely rude to do that even to a stranger. Or to a casual friend. But to your best childhood friend?!

Now I have to forgive these people all over again. They were the same ones that hurt Sarah so terribly six years ago. That took me literally years to get over. Well, I'm probably not entirely over it. I've forgiven but when someone hurts your child like that, it is a very difficult hurt to get past. Now....here we go again.

Every time I go into town I pray for God to help me in case I see one of them. One of the horrors of living in a small town.

Sarah and Rachel

Becoming a mother helped me understand God's heart so much better than I had previously known. He loves us more than this?! I adored my baby even before I saw her face.

Strange thing. When I was pregnant, for some reason I was sure my baby was a boy. So certain was I that I didn't even bother to choose a girl's middle name. I had a boy's first and middle name all picked out (though I can't remember it now. Brandon something, I think. Or Jared. Hmm. Anyway.)

Exactly one week before Thanksgiving she came. November 20, 1980 at 10:49 a.m. That was the moment that I officially became a mommy. My dream job! I would turn 21 only two weeks later.

She was a happy baby, a good baby. Two years and three months after Sarah came, her baby sister arrived. Another beautiful, good baby we named Rachel Marie, on February 19, 1983 at 3:01 p.m. A sunny Saturday afternoon. I remember the total bliss I felt afterwards. After all the post-birth rigamarole, I was rolled out to this recovery room where I was totally alone, at least for a little while (it seemed like a long time but I'm sure it was less than 20-30 minutes), and I remember the huge windows right next to me. I was able to gaze at the bright blue sky after having been in the windowless, cold, sterile delivery room amidst the chaos. Now I was basking in the sun and in God's love. Never before, or since, have I felt such tranquility.

Two daughters. How wonderful! I learned even more about God. Though we differ from one another, He loves us each individually. Sarah and Rachel were, and are, very different, but I love them both immensely. Immeasurably. Intensely.

Sarah is like me in some ways and Rachel is like me in other ways. And the ways they differ from me cause me to admire them all the more. Sarah's assertiveness. Rachel's serenity.

I long for the lost days of regular mother/daughter outings. The three of us in the kitchen together. Shopping together. Watching Designing Women together. Playing board games. Attending bridal showers. Baby showers. Birthday parties. Being in church together. Everything is more fun with them.

Now, in order for us all to be together, somebody has to travel over 800 miles. Sarah had to go and fall in love with a boy from Nebraska. A state I used to picture (the few times I ever heard the name Nebraska) as being flat and empty. Well it sure isn't empty now. It is home to two of my children and five grandchildren. What is empty is my house. My nest. (Gag. Waxing corny.)

Sarah is a wife, mother, business executive. She's short like me, but not as short. She has a dimple in one cheek. She has a bright smile, beautiful, full lips. Her hair is brown and has natural curl. Sarah laughs loudly and sneezes quietly. Her little sneezes are ridiculously dainty.

Sarah gave birth to three girls and she also has another daughter--a stepdaughter--and a stepson. Abigail Grace (Abbie) has the distinction of not only being my first grandchild, she was born the night before the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. I'll never forget walking into Sarah's hospital room the next morning after dropping Daniel off at school. I got there a few minutes before 9:00. As I walked through the door, Sarah said, as she pointed to the TV: "Mom, you're missing it. A plane just hit the World Trade Center." As my eyes focused on the scene, another plane hit. We spent the day adoring our new baby as we watched the historic events unfold. What a day. Wondrous in our own little world, but horrific on the tv screen.

Rachel is a wife, mother, student. She's not short--she's tall! She has big blue eyes that are captivating. And lovely, creamy skin. Her hair is thick and dark. Except for the same white birthmark in front, just like me! Her three sons have it as well! Rachel doesn't talk or laugh as much as Sarah; nevertheless, I hang on every word. And her laugh makes me feel especially happy.

Just a brief, simple introduction. I could write volumes on my girls, my boy, and my precious grandchildren. And in time....I'm sure I will :)