Taking a Step

You probably won't believe this, but I actually worked up a little motivation and bravado and made contact with a lovely, like-minded, like-hearted person who is for real working with the people I want to work with.  Not only did I make the contact....I followed through and met with her face-to-face yesterday morning.  YAY ME!

I know that doesn't sound like that big a deal, but for me it is.  I am such a scaredy-cat foot dragger.  I'm still in recovery for my people-pleasing tendencies.  I don't want to embarrass myself.  I don't want to be wrong.  I don't want my conservative friends to worry about me.  Plus, I'm an over thinker and someone who has a really hard time making decisions.  Why God would want to use someone as lame as I am, I couldn't tell ya.  But, I mean, He has a history of choosing some super pathetic characters.  If you've read the Bible, you know His choices could really be called into question.  Way more often than not!  You don't even have to be human to be used by God.  Baalam's donkey and Jonah's big fish quickly come to mind.

So. Clearly.... I qualify.

All this time has passed.....and keeps passing......and I keep hearing about more kids suffering, more kids dying.....more hearts breaking......  These hearts aren't going to mend themselves! Of course God can sovereignly do anything, but almost always He chooses to use people to accomplish His purposes.  I'm one of His people.  I want to be one of the ones He uses.  I want to love people, encourage people, nurture people.  Show them--not just tell them, not just pray for them, but show them that God loves them.

I was telling my new friend yesterday that ....hahaha..... since becoming a Christian (at age 14) I wanted a role in the kingdom that was well-esteemed by other Christians.  I'm just like everyone else; I want to be admired and applauded.  You know, like mission work....saving orphans....and she said: you ARE!

Ah!  Ahhhhhhh!

In my head I know it doesn't matter what other people think but what God thinks.  But I like to collect accolades just as much as the next person.  Believe me, there are no gold stars handed out for those of us who stand up for the rights of LGBTs.

Within the LGBT community, there are thousands and thousands of orphans. Figuratively and literally!  Did you know that 40% of homeless teens have been rejected by their parents--usually based on their religious beliefs--and kicked out of their homes??

How? How can this be happening?  How are we not outraged and broken-hearted over this?!  How can anyone justify this?  How can we not see that Jesus leaves the ninety-nine to go after that ONE. LOST. LAMB.

Sure, I'll endure the scandal.  Of course I'll chance being the object of clucking tongues and righteous head wagging.  It's worth any reproach I'll receive.  I'll take my chances in being misunderstood. Misjudged.  I'll always, always err on the side of grace and mercy.  I KNOW that if Jesus were walking the earth in 2015, He would spend lots of time hanging out with these people.  I'm CERTAIN that He would go after that desperate, devastated soul that has been kicked out of their home for being gay.  I'M POSITIVE that He would go sit beside that anguished teen in church who is hearing again how sinful homosexuality is but yet they've hid the secret for yearrrrs that they are attracted to the same sex and who can they talk to?!  NO ONE.  They could confess anything else but that.  I'M CONFIDENT that He would show up for the mom who's sobbing like she's never sobbed before....because He did for me.  For six years now, I've walked through this process that only Christian moms like myself can understand.  The shock. The fear. The worry. The grief.

I want to help the families too.  It's hard. It's painful. It's lonely.  But He's walked with me through it. He's loved me, comforted me, assured me, taught me, grown me.

So today I won't just write anonymously and hide it away as I've done since beginning this blog 5-1/2 years ago.  For the sake of maybe just the ONE....I'll share my words and my heart.  If I'd had a blog like this to read these past years, I would have so very much appreciated it.

Hey

Just a quick update from this procrastinator.  Obviously I didn't jump right into anything after I lost my job back in July, 2013.  Sheesh.  I feel like I've been jettisoned into some third dimension.  I can't believe how drastically different my life is from how it was when I first began this blog in 2009.  I really thought that God was ready to plop me into something meaningful.  I guess if I'm to be honest, I felt like I'd paid my dues (having taken care of mother) and that I'd earned some kind of ministry that I wanted.  That I was really cut out for.  So silly.

I'm not upset with God.  I've belonged to Him long enough to know His ways really and truly are higher (better, so much better) than our ways.  If something is amiss, it's definitely with me.  Something--many things--are amiss, so....well, no surprise here.

I'll explain later because I actually have a purpose for this day. I'm subbing at the elementary school. Public school.  But I wanted to get back here for at least a minute....prime the pump so to speak.

Okay. That's done.  Until next time....

Cracking My Cover!

Announcement!  I no longer teach at a Christian school so I'm free to write about anything I want.  Isn't that great?!  I don't have to restrict myself anymore.  I can write about how I actually love gay people and support gay people and can do it now without being afraid I'll lose my job!  That's why it's been so long between posts.  I didn't want to stir the waters, rock the boat, ruffle any feathers. Alarm anyone.  So I didn't keep writing.  And I've been really sad about it.

I loved working with the kids--love them so much--but the one thing I really didn't like was feeling like I had to suppress my views on controversial subjects.  Keep my heart hidden.  Which is difficult for me because I'm...at least I used to be, a really open book.

But now, now I'm free to express myself!  The school I was employed by is seeking accreditation and wants to hire only certified teachers, and I'm not certified.  So they did not renew my contract for this year.  And I'm glad! Well, I'm not thrilled with having to search for another job....but maybe now I can find a job that I'm even better suited for.  Maybe now I can do something even closer to my heart.  I really knew when I took this job that it wasn't my favorite, my dream job.  I have settled....compromised....stifled myself.

No more!  Now I want to really get out there and help people that other Christians are afraid of.  Get into some messy stuff.  Controversial stuff!  Jesus stuff.

So....I guess you could say I'm coming out!

Here's the Problem

The other day I received word from a family member that a friend's friend's son had killed himself.  The text message read:

This 19 year old kid was gay and having trouble dealing. His first day on job at restaurant in Louisville someone harassed him and he killed himself. So wrong.

Then I was forwarded an email giving more information.  The boy's name was Madison Alexander Cox.  I was able to look through a photo gallery of pictures of him and his family.  He went to a Christian school.  He apparently was raised in church.  What a beautiful boy with a radiant smile!  My heart breaks for this family.  I am aching for this mother...especially his mother.

I really want to make a difference.  I keep coming back to it...over and over and over.  For years, literally years, I have wanted to do something to help gay people, especially the kids.

Here's the problem:

Christians--real Christians-- want to love. They really do.  However, they are afraid that by unconditionally loving gay people, they will be condoning their "choice" and their "lifestyle" which they just cannot bring themselves to do.  So instead they just ignore the problem altogether. Pretend that it doesn't exist. Turn away! Turn away! Don't acknowledge!  

But there are people in our churches who are gay. It's a FACT.


So. What are we going to do??  Keep making it unbearable for them...so unbearable that they finally give up and leave?  Can't we just love them?  Why can't we just love them?  Why can't we just accept people, love people, and trust Jesus with them?

If we don't, they suffer alone.

Can you imagine the agony they go through?  Do you remember how it felt to be a teenager and to feel like you were different in any way?  Magnify that torture a thousand times.  Without someone who will unconditionally love and accept them, they will do one of the following:

A)  Continue to suffer in silence.  And when one part of the body suffers, we all suffer. 1Corinthians    12:26

B)  Leave the church. And often they leave God.  And sometimes they even choose to leave this world.

Belated Update

Once again I'm guilty of blog-neglect.  Guilty.  And once again I vow to keep going.

I have two excuses, neither of which are good.  A) I'm too busy.  B) I'm afraid.

*hangs head in shame*

Now I won't belabor the excuses, and the ridiculousness of same.  Instead I choose to quiet myself and be brave.

Okay, so moving on...

I last wrote about Daniel and The Great Disappointment.  Here's the follow-up:

I will no doubt get some of the details wrong because this was eight months ago (geez.) but when Daniel returned to Omaha, and to Luke, he of course was still hurting. And they talked about it, I'm sure a lot.  Well guess what?  I'm so proud of both of them--Luke told him he must forgive them.

Yes! You read that right!  Luke.....who obviously is also GAY....tells Daniel to forgive the Christian friends who hurt him.

Amazing.

He told him that for better or worse, there are some people who will always be in our lives. So forgive them.  Daniel, who has always been quick to forgive, did just that.  He sent the bride a FB message saying that he saw her wedding pictures and that she looked beautiful in her wedding dress.  He said he hoped his gift hadn't been too lame (he still had not received a thank you or even an acknowledgement).

I am SO PROUD of my son.  Then he sent me a text telling me about it all and saying that I can forgive them now too because he'd received a nice message.  "How nice?" I asked.  He forwarded it to me.

I read it and didn't respond. Because I didn't want to interfere with his peace. But I didn't find it nice enough. Not at all.  It was just -- in my opinion -- an obligatory "hey! thanks! we love you! response in order to not be rude. AGAIN.

But what matters is that Daniel and Luke have the right attitude. They have the right heart, beautiful hearts. Forgiving hearts. Hearts with unconditional love.

Which is what he should have received from his former Christian family. For shame.

A Sad

I've been ridiculously negligent of my blog. But something happened recently that begs expression. My only hesitation is that I do not want to, ironically, "out" the offenders. In these days of social media, the only way to be entirely discrete and, therefore, kind, is to never tell anything, either verbally or in writing.

But. I think sometimes it is not in the best interest of everyone to keep everything hidden and covered up. However, I will refrain from using real names and places.

Last month my son returned home to attend the wedding of one of his best childhood friends. His original intent was to attend two weddings, for his other best childhood friend, his oldest childhood friend, happened to be getting married the very same day. One was in early afternoon, the other evening, so that worked out perfectly; he could go to both.

Except.....only one friend was accepting of the fact that he is gay and wanted to bring his boyfriend.

This other friend--a friend, mind you, whose house was his second home--whose family he vacationed with--who he had been very close friends with since age TWO--who was raised in the same church, same children's church, same youth group, same everything--this friend had an altogether different reaction. And it is a very sad story.

Approximately two months prior to the scheduled wedding, Daniel texted (or in a Facebook chat) this friend's fiance' (who was also a close youth group friend) and asked if he could bring L. He frankly stated that he would understand if they did not feel comfortable with it. He said he used to be there (this particular church--the church in which he was raised since the age of 7 weeks) and that he understood how it is and that it might be weird, and that's okay.

He received no response, no response whatsoever. Just silence. And to this day I know of no response.

He tried at first to play it off like it was no big deal. But then as the day approached, it was clear that he was stunned and kept expecting them to contact him. He texted the sister (also former youth group leader) to get the address of the bride. He told me that he could have gotten the address easily through another channel but he wanted to see what she would say. He wanted to talk about it. She feigned total surprise, said she had no idea he had asked that. That is simply not believable. Not knowing these people who are all so tightly connected that almost nothing is secret.

Daniel ordered and had a nice wedding gift delivered.

Still nothing but silence.

As it turned out, Daniel drove home alone because L had to work. He posted on his Facebook wall that he was driving home "all by my lonesome" but still.....

Silence.

I know he was still hoping....hoping they would contact him. But, no.

I talked to him on the phone during his long drive, and he cried. He still just couldn't believe it. His best childhood friend. What the heck? He was really devastated.

Clearly, he honestly, truly believed that these people really loved him. Unconditionally. After all, even though their initial reaction after his coming out was predictable, over time they seemed like they were trying to treat him with unconditional love.

But nothing brings out peoples' true colors like a wedding, I guess.

So Daniel spent the night with his other friend and was there for all her wedding festivities. Was the life of the party afterwards. Everyone loves Daniel.

Well, everyone except his best childhood friend and his church "family".

How pitiful is that?! Christians. Supposedly. The people who are supposed to reflect the love of Jesus. Sadly, I'm not at all surprised. This kind of thing happens all the time. To people everywhere. Which is why I really want to write a book. A book from the point of view of a mother, and a Christian.

So back to the story. After the wedding, Daniel met some friends who attended the other wedding--the wedding Daniel was obviously not welcome at after all. In fact, one was a best man. Daniel, these two guys, and the best friend had all been very close at one time. Before. And these two guys have been good friends to Daniel since. They listened to him as he wept....and one drove him home because Daniel, who normally doesn't drink much, had had way too much. And was sick. Physically sick as well as heartsick.

The next day, he cried whenever he talked about it.

I told him, several times, Daniel, I don't know what to say except they were wrong. They handled it completely wrong, and one day they will look back and be ashamed and sad that they treated you so badly.

To not even give him an answer! No response at all!! How could someone do that? First of all, it is completely rude to do that even to a stranger. Or to a casual friend. But to your best childhood friend?!

Now I have to forgive these people all over again. They were the same ones that hurt Sarah so terribly six years ago. That took me literally years to get over. Well, I'm probably not entirely over it. I've forgiven but when someone hurts your child like that, it is a very difficult hurt to get past. Now....here we go again.

Every time I go into town I pray for God to help me in case I see one of them. One of the horrors of living in a small town.

Sarah and Rachel

Becoming a mother helped me understand God's heart so much better than I had previously known. He loves us more than this?! I adored my baby even before I saw her face.

Strange thing. When I was pregnant, for some reason I was sure my baby was a boy. So certain was I that I didn't even bother to choose a girl's middle name. I had a boy's first and middle name all picked out (though I can't remember it now. Brandon something, I think. Or Jared. Hmm. Anyway.)

Exactly one week before Thanksgiving she came. November 20, 1980 at 10:49 a.m. That was the moment that I officially became a mommy. My dream job! I would turn 21 only two weeks later.

She was a happy baby, a good baby. Two years and three months after Sarah came, her baby sister arrived. Another beautiful, good baby we named Rachel Marie, on February 19, 1983 at 3:01 p.m. A sunny Saturday afternoon. I remember the total bliss I felt afterwards. After all the post-birth rigamarole, I was rolled out to this recovery room where I was totally alone, at least for a little while (it seemed like a long time but I'm sure it was less than 20-30 minutes), and I remember the huge windows right next to me. I was able to gaze at the bright blue sky after having been in the windowless, cold, sterile delivery room amidst the chaos. Now I was basking in the sun and in God's love. Never before, or since, have I felt such tranquility.

Two daughters. How wonderful! I learned even more about God. Though we differ from one another, He loves us each individually. Sarah and Rachel were, and are, very different, but I love them both immensely. Immeasurably. Intensely.

Sarah is like me in some ways and Rachel is like me in other ways. And the ways they differ from me cause me to admire them all the more. Sarah's assertiveness. Rachel's serenity.

I long for the lost days of regular mother/daughter outings. The three of us in the kitchen together. Shopping together. Watching Designing Women together. Playing board games. Attending bridal showers. Baby showers. Birthday parties. Being in church together. Everything is more fun with them.

Now, in order for us all to be together, somebody has to travel over 800 miles. Sarah had to go and fall in love with a boy from Nebraska. A state I used to picture (the few times I ever heard the name Nebraska) as being flat and empty. Well it sure isn't empty now. It is home to two of my children and five grandchildren. What is empty is my house. My nest. (Gag. Waxing corny.)

Sarah is a wife, mother, business executive. She's short like me, but not as short. She has a dimple in one cheek. She has a bright smile, beautiful, full lips. Her hair is brown and has natural curl. Sarah laughs loudly and sneezes quietly. Her little sneezes are ridiculously dainty.

Sarah gave birth to three girls and she also has another daughter--a stepdaughter--and a stepson. Abigail Grace (Abbie) has the distinction of not only being my first grandchild, she was born the night before the attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon. I'll never forget walking into Sarah's hospital room the next morning after dropping Daniel off at school. I got there a few minutes before 9:00. As I walked through the door, Sarah said, as she pointed to the TV: "Mom, you're missing it. A plane just hit the World Trade Center." As my eyes focused on the scene, another plane hit. We spent the day adoring our new baby as we watched the historic events unfold. What a day. Wondrous in our own little world, but horrific on the tv screen.

Rachel is a wife, mother, student. She's not short--she's tall! She has big blue eyes that are captivating. And lovely, creamy skin. Her hair is thick and dark. Except for the same white birthmark in front, just like me! Her three sons have it as well! Rachel doesn't talk or laugh as much as Sarah; nevertheless, I hang on every word. And her laugh makes me feel especially happy.

Just a brief, simple introduction. I could write volumes on my girls, my boy, and my precious grandchildren. And in time....I'm sure I will :)

Mothers & Daughters

When I was 14 I observed an amazing thing.

We had recently began to attend church. How an unchurched girl suddenly starts going to church is a story soon to come. But anyway, this was one of the happiest times in my life. I was going to church, Sunday school, youth group, and I had friends!! Wonderfulness.

So one Sunday after church, one of my friends, Laura, invited me over to her house. Yay! At her house is where I saw the most incredible thing. I remember it vividly. She and her mother were standing there at the kitchen table, either talking about their purchases the day before or planning to go shopping. Can't remember which. But the important thing was...I could see that they liked each other!! Astonishment! Absolute astonishment! They looked completely at ease with each other. They were smiling, laughing. I was amazed.

Later, when I married and we were starting a family, I didn't out-loud, purposely ask God for daughters to be close to. But He, of course, knew the desires of my heart. And he gave me not one, but two beautiful daughters. Sarah Michelle, and Rachel Marie. My girls. It is so hard to sit, restrained, at a computer, and keep my excitement down enough to type about the two most wonderful women in my life. I'm a very theatrical, animated person and I want to stand up and use my arms and my facial expressions to convey my love for them.

So this will take some time. And, being the perfectionist that I am, I can't just whiz through it in a half hour's time. So....it will have to be in increments.

Still Drifting...

I'm not very good at this blogging thing, am I? Two months of silence here. I either need to do it. Or not do it. Ugh, indecisiveness.

I'm thinking about something my big sister said to me this morning. Not my literal, biological sister but a woman who came into my life 23 years ago and who I've recently reconnected with. Not that we were ever disconnected but, though we live in the same small town, we go to different churches --wait...I haven't been to church in about three months so I guess I need to say that she goes to church and I don't.

Gosh, I never thought I would be a non-churchgoer. (4/28/12: Update! I'm back in church. Not going felt so much worse than going. I'm glad about it! Best church in town, in my opinion :)

Anyway, she and I didn't see each other because our lives don't cross unless it's on purpose. So we agreed about a month ago to start getting together on Saturday mornings. To talk and to pray.

So this morning as I was praying ....praying for me and asking for direction.... that I pictured myself adrift ....out on the ocean and the piece of ice I was floating on was getting smaller and smaller. She told me that as I was praying that she pictured me on that ice and I dove off! When she said that, it seemed/sounded/felt like godly wisdom. So I'm pondering on that...

to dive off....what, where, how, when? eeeek!

So I definitely need some direction here. I'm ready to do. Ready to be.

Does God want me to be active in the LGBT community in a purposeful way....OR.....just love everyone that He brings across my path....OR............what?

Unconditional Love for ALL

I've been sick for more than a week now, sitting like a zombie for days. So, I'm taking this opportunity to tackle the task of beginning my book. Or, rather, continuing a story that I've been unceremoniously catapulted into.

I started writing it about six years ago because of the response I was witnessing by the church to gay people. I was often saddened and, at times, horrified, by the utter lack of empathy and love from people who are supposed to be filled with God's love and compassion.

Well, just like so many things I start, I just let it sit there.....

....and sit....

and.........Sit.

Until now. Now it's even more personal. Before, it was my brother. Some cousins. And then a son of a dear friend.

I didn't have enough gumption, or desire...until my son so vulnerably and fearfully looked me in my eyes eighteen months ago and uttered the words I'd dreaded hearing: "I'm gay."

I think surely he wasn't afraid that I would reject him. Never would I do that. Never could I do that. He should know I love him unconditionally but he couldn't really anticipate what my reaction would be. How scary for him. Thankfully, I must say I think I handled it perfectly. That particular moment, I mean.

(Confession. I'm ashamed to admit this but when I found out my friend's son was gay, my immediate, gut-reaction was a rejoicing in my soul that it wasn't my son. We are told to rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep. Oh, I did feel sad for them, but more than that I felt happy and relieved for me and my boy.)

Those words, from your child, will shake you to the core. Take you from comfort, security, and oblivion and hurl you into another dimension. Everything is different now.

I no longer have the luxury of avoidance.

For the past year and a half I have been hanging on for dear life to the promises of God. To His mercy. Seeking His wisdom. Researching every perspective. (Ignorance is not bliss) Allowing God to break me from the inside out.

And praying and weeping and begging for insight into this most vexing issue of modern life. And dealing with hurt, grief, and gay jokes from people who probably mean no harm. But, please, I'd much prefer a literal kick in the stomach.

No, it cannot be avoided any longer. Besides, have you noticed? It's ev-er-y-where. Gay marriage debates from both sides. Young boys taking their own lives because of vicious bullies' words and actions. You cannot watch television or get on the internet or even walk by a magazine stand at Wal-mart without being confronted with the issue.

And so, church, what are we going to do about it?

Will we love these precious ones Jesus died for? Or will we continue to ignore, side-step, pretend we didn't hear, pretend we didn't see, pretend we don't know that around us are kids struggling with their sexuality. Kids in our churches.

I know your objection: "But if we are nice to them, they'll think we think it's okay." So, in an effort to avoid discomfort we claim that that wouldn't be loving. So we ignore them. Too many times we actually shun them.

Jesus did not operate that way. He did not shame people. He did not use disapproval to bring about repentance. Yes, I hear your other objection: Jesus said hard things to people. He spoke the truth and many people didn't like it. And who were the people that didn't like what He had to say? Answer: the religious people of His day. The self-righteous religious crowd was the only group of people he had harsh words for.

What if it's your child? You wouldn't know because of course they are not going to tell you. They dare not even hint at such a thing. So they suffer in silence. They want what we all want. Love and acceptance. To not be alone. And they want a relationship with God. But they're being raised in an environment where homosexuality is at times being called out from the pulpit as being the single most abominable sin imaginable.

It's not.

If not outright condemnation, they are hearing ridicule towards gay people. Derisive comments and belittling gay jokes being told amongst their Christian friends. And the message, of course, is that God hates them.

This is not true!

Can you imagine the fear, confusion and agony?

Please, let's be brave and use our brains and our hearts and our time to communicate unconditional love to them. At the very least, when you hear the gay slur or joke, speak up and point out how unloving it is. You don't know who is listening.

If we don't love them, they will leave and search for acceptance elsewhere.

And they will find it.

This is not what God wants.

Books of Devotion

I don't know what I'd do without my books. My many devotional books. In addition to my NLT Daily Walk Bible I have Brennan Manning's Reflections for Ragamuffins (definitely a Ragamuffin here), Streams in the Desert (which is the greatest, classic daily devotional for someone who is grieving) and Henri Nouwen's Sabbatical Journey (his last diary, but I'm using for a devotional). I have collected many others over the years but Brennan Manning, Mrs. Charles Cowman, and Oswald Chambers are my all-time favs. So far. Oh, and Charles Spurgeon, love him too.

There's my short list, lol. My daughter Sarah kinda makes fun of me because I love lists. But who doesn't love lists?

Met Needs--A Wonderful Thing.

I made homemade soup today. My own conglomeration of a few different recipes. It started out as potato soup, then on to chowder. Potato and corn chowder.

Threw in some thyme and hot pepper flakes.

Mmmm, yeah, and then cheese on top and some crispy rice noodles.

Gotta have some homemade wheatberry bread to go with that soup.

Now, something sweet. Chocolate chip cookies....but wait I don't have enough semi-sweet morsels.

Not a problem. I'll just chop up these semi-sweet Baker's squares. And some pecans.

And a glass of milk.

Yeah.

Now...checking up on some bloggers I love.

And I discover a new website, pretty much by pure chance.

Or a divine gift.

It's what I've been looking for for months and months in my quest to figure out.....what to do. What to think. What to believe.

Somebody who knows how I feel. I knew there had to be somebody else out there who can understand what I'm going through.

I've been grieving, I even described it that way recently to a friend. I've tried to not feel it. It feels terrible, and who has time for anything that makes you feel terrible. But today when I read this new (to me) blog .... it said to go ahead and grieve. That it's normal when you've found out your child is gay. And it expressed what I've needed to hear.

It's been a good day. Maybe things will start looking up now.

God is Neither on the Right nor the Left

I hate the "us vs. them" mentality. And it's everywhere. Everyday.

Republicans vs. Democrats. Conservatives vs. Liberals. Blacks vs. Whites. Pro-Choicers vs. Pro-Lifers. Straights vs. Gays. And on and on it goes.

It wearies me.

I like what Brennan Manning has to say, specifically with regard to religious and political disparities:

Homophobia and racism are among the most serious and vexing moral issues of this generation, and both church and society seem to limit us to polarized options.

The anything-goes morality of the religious and political Left is matched by the sanctimonious moralism of the religious and political Right. Uncritical acceptance of any party line is an idolatrous abdication of one's core identity as Abba's child. Neither liberal fairy dust nor conservative hardball addresses human dignity, which is often dressed in rags.

Abba's children find a third option. They are guided by God's Word and by it alone. (I would disagree a bit here by saying I'm also guided by the Holy Spirit.) All religious and political systems, Right and Left alike, are the work of human beings. Abba's children will not sell their birthright for any mess of pottage, conservative or liberal. They hold fast to their freedom in Christ to live the gospel--uncontaminated by cultural dreck and political flotsam, and the filigreed hypocrisies of bullying religion. Those who are bent on handing gays over to the torturers can lay no claim to moral authority over Abba's children. Jesus saw such shadowed figures as the corrupters of the essential nature of religion in his time. Such exclusive and divisive religion is a trackless place, Eden overgrown, a church in which people experience lonely spiritual alienation from their best human instincts.

--Brennan Manning, Reflections for Ragamuffins

Why must we all be against one another? Doesn't God say that it is not people (flesh and blood) that we fight (wrestle) against? We obviously don't take that seriously. Just look around--behold all the division!

How sad. How grievous. What a waste of time and energy.

I know. I'm being a Pollyanna, not realistic. Sure, I can see that. I realize there will be no peace on earth until the Lord's return. But can't we try to pull in the reigns a bit and try to be a little less judgmental? A little less defensive? A little less tense? A little less patronizing?

Just a little wish of mine.

Wanted: Followers

Okay, now that I'm kind of on a roll with this blog-posting thing, I'm ready to go invite some people to read it. When I look at my page, it's so pathetic that I have only two "followers" listed. One is my husband, who, I promise you, has completely forgotten this blog. And the other is my daughter who is waaaaay too busy to follow me. She is a business executive with a husband and five children!

So I have been just happily typing along here in total obscurity. It's kind of nice and I would go on like this forever, except....

1) Well, I guess I am pretty bored here all by my lonesome

2) Maybe I can encourage someone

3) Maybe someone could encourage me!

4) I need to be brave.

So....I think I'll just put my big toe in the water first. I'll put a link to this on my Facebook profile. Aaaand....include the link on my signature when I comment on other people's blogs. I guess that means I really need to start commenting on other people's blogs, haha.

Alrighty then. Here goes...

Don't Look Down

Went to get my haircut today. Which means I got to spend time with my brother :) Love him. (and my sis but we'll talk about her preciousness another time)

Anyway, on my way back home, I was listening again to this song that was so important to me last summer. God often speaks to me through songs and this is one of them. A perfect example, really. Joy Whitlock's Don't Look Down really ministered to me and prepared me for the hard thing I was about to face on May 31, 2009, which was my mother moving into my house. She was bedridden and, as we soon found out, had lung cancer.

That was the hard thing I knew was getting ready to happen. I was somewhat prepared for that. I had been working on getting my mind and heart ready as well as getting the house ready for her arrival. But I wasn't prepared so much for the other thing that was going to happen just one day after she moved in. On June 1, 2009 came the second part of the double-whammy. But God knew what was coming. So He encouraged me with this song a couple of weeks before:

This could be your best work yet
Have you got the stomach for this
Come on dig deep
What have you got left to lose

Tragedy is half the fight
Are you willing to lose your life
Come on let it bleed
There’s nothing you can hide from me

‘Cause I know you’ve been here before
I’ve seen your scars
The price it’s too high
What if you fall again
Then I’ll fall too
Straighten up
Eyes ahead
Look for me
You don’t have to be scared
Don’t be scared
Don’t look down

Regret has pierced your heart
Gravity has left its mark
But I’m playing for keeps
Even death can’t do us part

You should hear it. Just lyrics on a page don't do it justice, of course. The way she sings it. So insistent. So passionate. It's a great, great song. Love it.

So I was listening to this again today (first time in awhile) and it seems to have significance all over again. Last summer I thought it was just to help me get through the arduous job of taking care of my mother as she was dying.

But, as it turned out, it was also meant to help me as I processed the revelation from my son that he is gay. Which hit me hard. Now there is an understatement if there ever was one. I thought my daughter's divorce and the subsequent church fallout was hard! But this one really took me down to my knees. Literally.

At various times throughout the day for the first couple of weeks, I would fall to my knees and raise my hands toward heaven and declare, out loud:

My eyes are on you, Lord.

My life is in Your hands.

Mom's life is in Your hands.

Daniel's life is in your hands.

That's what got me through. The truth of that. I fully believed, and still do, that that is fact. And worship. I'm a worshiper. Worshiping God is like medicine. My therapy. My joy. Joy in the midst of sadness, it was. And is.

So...have I got the stomach for this? For writing publicly about my feelings and beliefs about the church's abysmal response to and handling of gay people? (and other controversial topics)

What have I got left to lose? Umm, well you mean besides my job and my conservative friends, Lord? haha

What if I fall again? I love this part of the song--the reply Joy Whitlock has God giving to this question is a beautiful, biblical one:

Then I'll fall too.

He promises to never leave me or forsake me. To be with me always. So if I fall, He is with me still. And with Him, I can handle whatever.

Another Day, Another Gay Slur

Told you. Okay, so mark it down--two days in a row. We're keeping track now.

Same dear friend. Who I love. I know absolutely for certain that if she had any idea how it's like a kick to the stomach....she would restrain herself. But it just came out so casually.

Simply this. She is just passing along the information that her 7th grade son doesn't like a certain teacher because, are you ready? You can finish the sentence, right?

He's weird....I think he's gay.

Right. Those two words always go together.

How do we make it stop?!

Henri Nouwen, My New Favorite

Oh what a gift. I'm convinced that my discovery of him was not by chance.

I am always in search of new authors, especially Christian authors. And by new I mean new to me. I had read his name somewhere--under a quote most likely--and I was intrigued. So I added him to my list of authors to be on the lookout for when I go to Half-Priced Books. But before I even had a chance to search, would you believe I saw one of his books lying right in front of my face, in a friend's house! Ahh! I gasped and grabbed it up and held it to my heart. (I'm dramatic like that). My friend said to go ahead and take it, that it had been her father-in-law's, and I could tell by the way she talked that neither she nor her husband had ever read it. What?! This treasure....just sitting here. Well, I'm sure God arranged the whole thing just for me because He loves me that way. Honestly, God is so nice to me.

So the title of the book? The Return of the Prodigal Son. That in itself is profound, is it not? I mean, think about it! So I began to read it right away. Ohhhh how I love this book. Probably at the tippy top of my list of all-time favs. And I have a lot of favs. I need to re-read it now because it has been over a year and the memory has faded.

So just as I always do when I find an author I'm impressed with, I research the author himself (or herself). Turns out....Henri was a celibate gay. A tortured soul, but a soul who loved God deeply.

See what I mean about not being coincidence?

So then I started looking for more of his books. So far I've read The Wounded Healer, Reaching Out, and I've read Michael O'Laughlin's bio of him.

Now I'm reading his diary from his final year. Called Sabbatical Journey. I bought it in August and his first entry was September 3rd, so I saved it so I could read it as a daily devotional. Here is his entry from yesterday:

Friday, September 29

Andrew Sullivan's new book, Virtually Normal: An Argument about Homosexuality, is one of the most intelligent and convincing pleas for complete social acceptance of homosexuality I have ever read.

Andrew Sullivan is a Catholic. He is just as open about being a Catholic as about being a homosexual. From his writing it becomes clear that he is not only a Catholic but also a deeply committed Catholic who takes his church's teachings quite seriously. That makes his discussion of the church's attitude toward homosexuality very compelling.

My own thoughts and emotions around this subject are very conflicted. Years of Catholic education and seminary training have caused me to internalize the Catholic Church's position. Still, my emotional development and my friendships with many homosexual people, as well as the recent literature on the subject, have raised many questions for me.

Yes. So many questions.

I used to be afraid to read the perspectives of people who believe differently from me. But not anymore. I want to be educated on this subject. I don't want to be like most Christians who believe what they believe just because it's what they've always believed because, usually, it's what they've been told from the pulpit.

And I agree and can see the point that modern translations of the Bible may not accurately portray God's total heart on any given subject. I agree that reading in context is vital and that the culture in which it was written has to be taken into account on subjects such as this one. I know my Bible quite well for a lay person. I read it every day and have for years. I am well aware what it says on the subject of homosexuality. And I'm also quite aware of what it doesn't say.

One thing I know for sure is that God does not hate gay people. There are some people he was truly angry with and other behaviors that he hates but homosexuality doesn't even make the list! God hates idolatry. And pride. And injustice.

Well that is the topic for a whole other blog post. So I'll end this one here.

Can I Get Through Just One Day Without This?

It happened again. I'm going to keep track now, for real because this is crazy. I think I'll chart it and include it in my book. Or whatever.

Is it possible to make it through a day without hearing a joke about homosexuality, gay wisecrack or innuendo?

This woman--a friend who is dear to me-- meant no harm. Ninety-nine percent of people mean no harm, I'm sure. It's just our culture. And typical human behavior. We make fun of what is different from us. I'm hypothesizing here but I think that prior to the 1990s, maybe the 1980s, the subject was shocking and taboo. But now.....not only are we talking about it (I know I exaggerate when I say incessantly, but allow me a little hyperbole here) we apparently think it's hilarious. That is, it's hilarious if it's some gay stranger, or if someone straight we know does something gay-ish.

The specifics don't matter, but today something different happened. Maybe it's a turning point.

At least two of the other three women in the group of which I was a part knows that my son is gay. I've confided in them how this subject hurts me. Obviously, the offender had momentarily forgotten. After she told her "funny husband story" which had to do with something gay-like he had done, there was not the expected laughter, just what seemed to me to be a few polite chuckles. Then the friend sitting closest to me--the one to whom I confided most recently--turned to me and segued pretty smoothly to something similar her son had done (only it was matter of fact and not shaded with gay humor). I'm pretty sure this was purposeful on her part (bless her). She's a merciful people-person and I believe she wanted to: a) save me from more pain, and b) save the offender the embarrassment of feeling like she'd stuck her foot in her mouth. Anyway, I was grateful that the usual guffaws did not ensue.

I guess I felt a little sorry to be a killjoy.

Not really. I think people really do need to be more sensitive and careful, including me. I am definitely guilty here myself. Maybe that's one purpose I have. To bring to at least a few the awareness that there are hurting hearts all around.

So be careful little lips what you say.

Facing It

So after I finished reeling from the Aunt D incident, I decided I had to face the issue and really start searching and researching. I don't have the luxury of avoiding and ignoring like many of my Christian brothers and sisters. It is very, very easy to vomit out the standard, cold talking points against homosexuality when it's not your brother, or your son. Or sister or daughter.

Even if they are right in what they say--and I know longer know for sure...hence the search/research--they for sure aren't delivering the message in the right way.

It should not be happening! Who knows how many hundreds....thousands...of boys and girls who have grown up in churches and have struggled with their sexuality, and then....suffering alone because of course they have no one to talk to....they leave their church. And God.

This makes me very, very, very sad.

Several years ago, maybe 7-8 years ago, I felt the urge to tackle this issue. But I didn't. Too hard. Too busy. I've felt that churches handled the gay issue all wrong for many years. Since my brother is gay, I've been sensitive to the hateful, snide, sneering remarks people make. And then I found out the son of a dear friend is gay. Actually, a best friend of my son's from childhood. This stirred me up again. But I didn't do anything except half-heartedly begin a book.

Maybe now it's time to pick that back up.

In the meantime, I've ordered several books. Love Is An Orientation by Andrew Marin, and a couple others on the subject. And I'm praying....praying for wisdom. Praying for direction. Praying that I don't fall into deception. I want the truth. God's truth. I don't want to change my views because it's popular. I want God to be okay with my son being gay. If not, I want God to do a miracle and change my son to a heterosexual. Maybe he'll do neither but NO MATTER WHAT, I trust God. Maybe being gay was not something God did but it's still something He can use to draw my son closer to Him.

Ultimately, that is my greatest desire. For my son to love the Lord with all his heart, soul, mind and strength. That has been my prayer since he was a baby in my arms. I know without a shadow of a doubt that God will answer that prayer.

In the meantime....I have to do something to help others. Other mothers suffering as I am. Other kids who are feeling the hate and rejection.

Something. What, Lord?

The Sordid Details

So on February 19, my very ultra-right-wing-conservative sister-in-law chose to post on her Facebook an anti-gay video. That's right. Even though she was "friends" with me and Daniel. Also Sarah and her husband, who are very anti, anti-gay, and anti ultra-right-wing conservatives.

You can imagine the ruckus.

I was completely oblivious when it happened. I was teaching (and therefore not checking FB) and then I met Rachel in Lexington to celebrate her birthday. She and I were siting in a movie when Daniel sent me a text...something about "Aunt Diane is going crazy again" which I immediately understood to mean that she was again posting something controversial. Oh boy, I thought, and suspected it had something to do with homosexuality since Daniel took the time to bring it up to me. I felt a pang of dread but texted back that I was in the movie theater with Rachel. He said something about Sarah and Zack being hot. Yikes. But I was determined that Rachel's night would not be ruined by the likes of dear auntie D.

So on our way back from Lexington I started receiving frantic messages of apology from Aunt D. "I'm so sorry, I've upset your kids" and yada yada yada. SIGH.

I always want to keep the peace. Or avoid controversy. Or both. Regardless, I knew we were in a mess. And here I had been minding my own business! Why, oh why can't people shut the you know what UP?

This was not the first time Aunt D and I butted heads. But ....stories for another day.

So by the time I got home I had received three of these desperate sorry notes. I still did not know any details, except that she had said that she had posted "a video dispelling myths of homosexuality." I wished I could grab her throat and ask her why in the world would she do such a thing since I knew that she knew that my son, her nephew and FB friend, was gay! But I wrote back something like "I'm sure you didn't mean to hurt us." And I still believe that she was totally ignorant of what she was doing.

But that's no excuse, you know?

The next morning I had received yet another, longer letter of apology. Along with a lot of excuses and justifications for what she had done. "I just can't not share my opinion and it's been my downfall at times."

Grrrr.

Then I talked to Sarah.

Sarah and Zack are very opinionated also. However, they know that there is a time and a place to share your views. And there's a way to do it without being mean and nasty and uncivilized.

Also, Sarah has been through a lot herself. She has gone through a divorce, which used to be more controversial than it is now in Christian circles. But still, it was a cataclysmic event for us in our home church of 18 years. But ..... another story for another time.

Sarah saw this post of Aunt D's and became unglued. She told me that she had not been that hurt and upset since her divorce. Daniel saw it. He wrote to Aunt D-- a private FB message saying that he loved her but he would be removing her from his FB. Aunt D responded by writing a very public message, on her FB WALL saying.... I don't even remember what Sarah told me. But not nice. So that set off a FB wall war between Aunt D and, I think, mainly Zack. Who is very bold and very well able to convey his educated views. As Aunt D told me in her pseudo-apology letter: "They let me have it."

Good!

After my conversation with Sarah, I knew it would be very difficult to be neutral in the matter. Some things can't be avoided, you know? She went onto this supposed "Christian" end-times website where Aunt D had copied and pasted this hateful video. She went on the forum where Aunt D went to lick her wounds. She claimed that she was being persecuted!!! "I can't believe the level of hate, and from family," she wrote.

Unbelievable.

Well. I'm not sure I can put into words just how painful this whole episode was. And just when I was feeling like my own wounds were a bit less bloody. You know, from the summer when Daniel told me he was gay.

So a few days later, I just couldn't take it anymore. Seeing her FB status updates. Her never-ending opinions. Plus, she clearly didn't have a clue about how much she had hurt us, whether she did it in ignorance or not. So I wrote her a very carefully worded, kind, loving message saying that I would always love and pray for her and her family, but it was too painful to see her on FB. And that harm had indeed been done, more than I'm sure she realized.

She wrote back, saying that's fine but "I wish I had the chance to explain, or even apologize."

Say what? She had sent me no less than 6-7 letters of apology and "explanation."

Anyway, that's the last communication we've had.

Sadly, Aunt D represents too large a part of the "Christian" population in the U.S. It is very, very desperately WRONG.